Glass half-full, glass half-empty season outlooks

“You know, some guys would look at this glass and they would say, you know, ‘that glass is half empty.’ Other guys would say, ‘that glass is half full.’ I peg you as a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of guy. Am I right?”
— Gus, Groundhog Day

When you take a look at a roster, do you think that it is halfway to a championship? Or is it halfway to the first pick in next year’s draft? It depends on what roster and who you ask.

In today’s feature, we look at both the optimistic and pessimistic perspective for each team.

Bangkok Blitz

Glass half-full: The Blitz draft three instant contributors via the draft who hit their peak right around playoff time. Dak Prescott has another stellar year while playing for a better contract. JuJu Smith-Schuster returns to 2018 form. The Blitz have two sleeper tight ends who take big leaps. Using their abundance of cash, the Blitz land a few prized pieces via the auction who score several victories for the team along the way. The Blitz wind up making a deep playoff run.

Glass half-empty: Whether it be COVID-19-induced instability, or NFL offenses maintaining balance among their rookies and veterans, the Blitz don’t see immediate gains from their rookie class. They produce, but not with enough consistency to regularly churn out victories. They miss on a few signings via the auction and see an uneventful return on investment. Devin Singletary doesn’t take the second-year leap some were originally expecting. The tight end position becomes a weekly crapshoot. The Blitz drop a first-round playoff heartbreaker.

Christmas Island Crabs

Glass half-full: The Crabs don’t rebuild, they reload. They use their surplus of cash to supplement an already well-stocked roster. Their depth becomes a strong suit for them and helps them overcome any possible injuries or COVID-19 scares. They use the third pick in the draft to land a talented rookie who follows in the footsteps of Miles Sanders. D.J. Moore makes a big third-year splash and DeVante Parker proves 2019 was no fluke. Derrius Guice stays healthy and produces big. The team makes a deep playoff run with a shot at repeating.

Glass half-empty: The Crabs sorely miss Michael Thomas’ presence in the lineup, his dependable 25-30 points per game. The team is unable to replace his production via the free agent market, or from within. Their young receivers don’t “take the next step” and are inconsistent from one week to the next. Austin Ekeler doesn’t pan out as a featured back. They don’t strike gold twice in the draft and have to wait until 2021 for returns. The Crabs get ousted early in the playoffs.

Ecuador Ewoks

Glass half-full: The Ewoks see growth from several third-year players who help boost their prospects in 2020. Drew Lock has a great second year while surrounded by more talent. The Ewoks pick up an additional player or two via the auction who play key roles this season. Ecuador stays alive in the playoff race deep into the regular season.

Glass half-empty: The Ewoks sorely miss star Ezekiel Elliott, who came to be their primary source of scoring. The team can’t find a leader to rally around, who can grab the reins and be the dependable scorer week-in and week-out. Their young players fail to take the next step of growth and their career arcs flatten out. The Ewoks contend for the first pick in the 2021 draft.

Egypt Pharaohs

Glass half-full: Newly-minted Patrick Mahomes has a healthy season and returns to the top of the quarterback rankings, winning several games by himself. Joe Mixon and Odell Beckham are among the top scorers and are weekly contributors. Ronald Jones has a dynamic third year and the Pharaohs add a few other key contributors via the auction. The Pharaohs defend their South Division crown successfully and make some noise in the playoffs.

Glass half-empty: The Pharaohs are unable to find depth at the receiver position to give Beckham a little bit of help. The WR2 position, and/or one of the FLEX positions, become a weekly black hole for scoring. Ronald Jones does not become that featured back and Phillip Lindsay fails to adequately score RB2 numbers. The Pharaohs struggle within the division and have to try to sneak into the playoffs via the wild card.

Jamaica Jerks

Glass half-full: The Jerks solidify their lineup via the auction and add good depth in the draft. They pick up where they began the 2019 season, churning out big scores and wins. Jared Goff produces closer to his 2018 numbers, which put him in the Top 6 among quarterbacks. Chris Carson stays healthy and fumble-free, providing the perfect complement to Dalvin Cook. The Jerks make some noise in the postseason.

Glass half-empty: Uh-oh, maybe Cook doesn’t get a lucrative extension and makes the foolish decision to hold out. Or, maybe he plays and misses more time with injuries. Perhaps Carson doesn’t play to his potential and gets lost among a muddled backfield. Goff continues the up-and-down rollercoaster performances from a season ago. Kenny Golladay sees a regression in numbers and the Jerks depth chart doesn’t pan out. The Jerks squeak into the postseason as a wild card.

Nagasaki Kamikazes

Glass half-full: The “stars” align, both literally and figuratively. Kyler Murray has an MVP-like season as many are prophesying. Ezekiel Elliott and Aaron Jones pick up where they left off last year and post dominant weekly numbers. Michael Thomas and Davante Adams become the fearsome duo that no team can defend. The Kamikazes are weekly amongst the Top 4 in scoring and compete for a championship.

Glass half-empty: The best-laid plans … COVID-19 rears its ugly head and ends the Kamikazes’ run prematurely. Jones loses a lot of touches — and touchdowns with them. Thomas shows slight regression and looks human again. Adams has inconsistency from week to week. Injuries strike and the Kamikazes are unable to replace the missing production. The Kamikazes make a playoff run but fall short of the title.

Russia Renegades

Glass half-full: Lamar Jackson stays healthy and puts up big numbers for the second-straight season. Josh Jacobs makes a run for the rushing title and Le’Veon Bell rebounds from his worst season. The Renegades’ young receivers make big third-year bounces and the tight ends finally stay healthy and contribute weekly. The Renegades draft several young playmakers who peak around the playoffs. Russia battles for the Northwest Conference crown.

Glass half-empty: Injuries beset the plan. Jackson gets hurt or doesn’t rush nearly as much as he did a year ago. The running back depth chart does not pan out and the points are inconsistent from week to week. The core receivers end up being good, but not great, and don’t give the scoring burst necessary to compete with the higher-scoring teams. The tight ends continue missing games. The Renegades just barely sneak into the postseason.

San Juan Scorpions

Glass half-full: The Scorpions build off their success from last year’s youngsters, like receivers DK Metcalf and Terry McLaurin. Stefon Diggs adds an extra dimension. Josh Allen continues posting strong numbers with his big arm and active legs. The team sees weekly explosions from Alvin Kamara and Nick Chubb. The Scorpions get regular contributions from their tight end group. The Scorpions win the West Division and make a deep playoff run.

Glass half-empty: Allen loses some of those rushing touchdowns that made him so effective in 2019. The Scorpions face a weekly quarterback derby that yields maddening results. The running back depth chart causes problems, especially if injury strikes. Metcalf and McLaurin face sophomore slumps. Ertz and Goedert split production, making it difficult to choose between them. The Scorpions compete for the West crown but face an early playoff exit.

Switzerland Squirrels

Glass half-full: Surrounded by new talent, Derek Carr returns to the days when he posted fringe-QB1 stats. Leonard Fournette picks up where he left off last year and churns out big weekly production. The Squirrels’ trio of Adam Thielen, T.Y. Hilton and D.J. Chark are a weekly force to reckon with. Perhaps they retain restricted free agents Cooper Kupp and James Conner, packing an extra punch each week. The Squirrels continue to get strong tight end play from Mark Andrews and Tyler Higbee. The Squirrels finally get back into the postseason picture after a few seasons away.

Glass half-empty: Carr’s resurgence never materializes and the Squirrels struggle with quarterback play. The team is unable to secure a consistent RB2 on a weekly basis. Thielen and Hilton play well, but not nearly what they’ve done in the past. Andrews and Higbee show regression and choosing between them becomes a weekly headache. The Squirrels improve from 2019 but just barely miss the postseason.

Turkey Jerky

Glass half-full: Turkey’s backfield, consisting of Derrick Henry and Melvin Gordon, shows explosion most weeks. The receiving trio of Mike Evans, Amari Cooper and Tyler Boyd cause weekly matchup problems for opposing defenses. Hayden Hurst and Miles Boykin get activated from the Rookie Corral and show growth in their young careers. The Jerky win the South Division and make the postseason.

Glass half-empty: The high-priced salaries of Evans, Gordon, Henry and Boyd take too much away from the depth of the team. The team has trouble landing a quarterback via the auction who can be a consistent, weekly performer. Henry shows regression from the 2019 season and isn’t the Top 5 back that he was. The Jerky run into tough, improved South Division competition and fail to make the playoffs.

Ukraine Grainers

Glass half-full: With the same roster mostly intact, the Grainers pick up right where they left off in 2019. Christian McCaffrey continues to be superhuman and posts ridiculous numbers. Todd Gurley finally finds some consistency and David Montgomery takes a big second-year step. The receiving tandem of Tyreek Hill and Chris Godwin are explosive on any given week and the tight ends maintain their dominance. The Grainers battle for the Northwest Conference championship and a long-awaited Super Bowl.

Glass half-empty: While still great, McCaffrey at least becomes human again. Gurley continues battling knee issues and fails to produce weekly RB2 numbers. Montgomery never makes that second-year leap. Godwin sees slight regression from too many mouths to feed. The Grainers fail to find a third option behind Hill and Godwin. The Grainers make a playoff run but fall short of the ultimate prize again.

Wake Island Wookiees

Glass half-full: The Wookiees find the fountain of 2018 and are among the higher scoring teams in the league in 2020. Saquon Barkley stays healthy and dominates again. Kenyan Drake proves 2019 was no fluke and uses a full season to post big numbers. Julio Jones and DeAndre Hopkins become the most dominant 1-2 punch at receiver. The Wookiees land a sleeper at tight end and also get big weekly production from Matt Ryan. Wake Island wins a wild card and makes noise in the postseason.

Glass half-empty: Depth becomes a big problem for the Wookiees. Drake can’t keep up with the pace he set at the end of 2019. The Wookiees can’t find anybody behind their Top 2 receivers to contribute. Finding an affordable tight end via the auction proves to be difficult and becomes a weekly headache. The Wookiees struggle in a tough East Division and fail to make the postseason.